YOU CAN'T HAVE A FULFILLED LIFE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE BECAUSE IT NEVER GETS BETTER.

As my first son graduates from college, i reminisce about my final days in my marriage. One thing that abusive relationship/marriage does to you is that it takes away your sense of self. You struggle to protect and cover up for the person abusing you, you struggle to protect your children and everything else, but yourself and end up losing every iota of self worth and confidence. No matter how intelligent you are, you become dumb in an abusive relationship and marriage. Every other woman becomes your adviser, including the ones having their own issues in their homes. Every other woman uses you to console herself by throwing unsolicited advises at you. Abusive marriage is better imagined than experienced. You don't want to go through it! i must confess that my abuse, was not physical, but emotional. The difference between physical abuse and emotional is that people can see the scars from emotional abuse, but no one can see the broken pieces of your heart from emotional abuse. so you're mostly on your own for the most part of it. but the tragedy of physical abuse is that it leads to emotional trauma too.

If you haven't been following my stories, you may not be able to grasp this concluding part, but not to worry, just tag along as you may have one or two lessons to learn from this conclusion. I started writing this story bit by bit about ten years ago, but this concluding part i call "my journey to self worth and the pursuit of happiness". So enjoy the read, learn the a lesson or two and go and decide for yourself if you still want to continue in an abusive marriage or not. I can't tell you my life has been all roses without tears and struggles, but i can tell you for a fact that the the tears and struggles are worth it!

So i have lived with my Ex husband for about 2 years in the same house without speaking a word to each other. Or rather if there's a need to communicate, i just tell him whatever without him responding, In the process, i found out from his driver that his sidechic was the one shopping for the food i and my kids have been eating for the past six months that he decided to stop giving me the usual monthly allowance and started supplying the food instead. I became livid and went to my lawyer to say i needed him to give me the monthly allowance that his sidechic has been buying food for my house that she can easily poison me and my kids like that. My lawyer took me to his senior partner Hairat Balogun of Libra law firm- Lagos, who arranged for a "motion experte" unbeknownst to my Ex and his lawyer and the court granted and gave an order that his bank should pay a certain amount to me directly from his salary.

As head of Operations and Admin in his bank, the court order come to his desk, so he intersected it and came home to boast to me that if i were smart, i should have known that such letters come to him. I ignored him and went back to my lawyer to inform him that he intersected the court order. Again, Mrs Hairat Balogun requested that the court order be rerouted to the Md of the bank. By the time his MD called his attention to it, he had to give up at this point and asked for "out of court settlement and started giving me the money.

It took a while for me to agree to settle out of court, but as events unfolded, i had to think over something a family friend once told me that "happiness is a choice" and i also realized that all the while i was trying to save my marriage wasn't because i was in love with my Ex husband after all him and his family had done to me, that i was trying to save my marriage only because i didn't want his sidechic and his family who were hell bent on destroying my marriage to succeed, then i stood in front of my dressing mirror to have a conversation with myself. all i could see was a shadow of myself and i asked myself, Omoye, are you happy in this house? the answer was no! I asked again, will you ever be happy in this house? The answer was no! I broke down and i cried for the years i had wasted fighting for a marriage that wasn't me and my effort. After crying, i went to bed even tough sleep has long eluded my eyes due to previous ugly circumstances. So i usually don't sleep at night.

The next day, i went to church for the watch night service, when the pastor said everyone should write their new year prayers and expectations, i wrote that i needed God's grace, i asked God to make my life a puzzle like the story of Blind Bartimaeus in the bible, i wrote how i heard a voice saying to me "Omoye, i will take care of you" sometime ago in our former place in Gbagada- Lagos, i wrote that i am most certain it was the voice of God that i heard. I wrote that until that promise is fulfilled in my life, that i will never pray again.

After that service, all my fears and worries started diminishing gradually, my thinking started changing and i started feeling irritated in that house, i didn't want to see my Ex husband and his people anymore, i didn't want my kids in that house anymore, i just wanted to leave. I also started rethinking my self worth. Soon after, i called my lawyer, gave him my terms for settlement that i was ready to settle out of court. We haggled back and forth over some things until we came to a compromised and i got a place for me and my children and i left to live my life happily ever after. It was the best decision i ever made in my life.

Enduring abuse is abuse is not a virtue, raising kids in a hostile and loveless environment is the worst thing you can do your children. If the situation is redeemable, do what it takes to savage your marriage, but never struggle to live an unfulfilled life with someone who is disregarding, disrespectful and abusive. Men respect and care for the women they love. Never choose to be the one who is not loved and cared for and enduring abuse. Instead, remove your children from that hostility, that loveless space to a safer place and channel all that wasted effort and energy on yourself and your children.

In my next article, i shall be writing about how my kids and i came to America. I hope someone learnt a thing or two from this. I may not be where i ought to be, but God has been faithful to me and i am grateful! I am happy and counting my blessings. I LOVE MY LIFE AND THE FEW IN IT!